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Sexual problems due to vaginismus can negatively affect all aspects of a relationship. Overcoming vaginismus together can deepen and strengthen couple bonds and bring needed restoration.
Although women experience the consequences of having vaginismus most acutely and directly, it is important to acknowledge that their partners will also experience a wide range of impacts. As the ordeal of untreated vaginismus drags on into weeks, months or years before solutions are found, frustrations mount and the relationship can undergo severe strain. The impacts of vaginismus on men create unique burdens as they often feel helpless and at the mercy of a situation they can’t control. Some typical emotions the male partner may experience are:
It is important for male partners to understand that vaginismus is not something the woman intentionally caused to avoid having sex. The tightening of the PC muscle that causes the vagina to ‘clamp shut’ is an unconscious reaction which is involuntary and happens without control or intention.
Even though a woman may very much want to engage in intercourse, there is a ‘disconnect’ between her mind and body which triggers the PC muscle to spasm. There are many emotional and physical factors which may contribute to the development of vaginismus. Emotional factors such as fear of penetration (not common to all types of vaginismus) will impact some women with vaginismus. In these cases it is important for a woman to understand and overcome her fear and negative thoughts about sex. The self-led emotional inventory included in the self-help program helps a woman to get to the root of these factors and override them with positive sexual feelings.
It is not uncommon for men to ‘bottle up’ their emotions and deny the anger, frustration and stress associated with living in an unconsummated relationship. Often men feel like they can’t tell anyone about their situation. They may also be worried about hurting their wife if they tell someone else about their “little secret” so they live with pent-up feelings of resentment and sadness – both for them and their mate.
Sadly, many couples discontinue having times of intimacy because of the pain and the frustration of failure at attempted intercourse. Conflict is common and relationship issues may continue to escalate as the vaginismus remains untreated. Communication breakdown may occur as spouses retreat to their own side of the bed or even sleep in separate beds.
In addition to the vaginismus, a couple may also have to deal with the medical condition, surgery, or assault that possibly triggered the problem, potentially causing further relational strain.
Typically, once a diagnosis has been made and a treatment process initiated, there is a reduction in the overall level of stress the couple has been experiencing. Many couples, after working through vaginismus treatment do find that they are emotionally closer to one another, have improved communication skills, and do not take their sexual relationship or partner for granted.
See also:
"I can recommend use of this resource by all patients with vaginismus" - APTA Journal of Women's Health Physical Therapy
- Beth Shelly, PT, BCIA-PMDB
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